i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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