i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
