Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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