and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
