in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
