saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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