You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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