I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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