Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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