Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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