I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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