Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
