Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
