you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
