I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
