I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
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I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
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I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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