Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
