woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
