My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.