Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life