Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.