so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.