she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The air was thick with penises
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My life is pants optional.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
