There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
