the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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