It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
