i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
