I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
