Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I stole a fireplace last night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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