You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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