nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The air was thick with penises
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
