The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
