My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
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did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
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I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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