Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
