I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
