Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
