I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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