What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
they need to just BURY HIM!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Boobs speak an international language.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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