I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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