Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
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