Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
