What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
