i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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