if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
