apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
