it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize