Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
