she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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