Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
