Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
