Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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