i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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