I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
