Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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