I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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