I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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