Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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