Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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