I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
