Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
