Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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