Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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