Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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