At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
