my mouth tastes like poor choices
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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