if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.