how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car