Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
