Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.