If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
everyone is single if you try hard enough
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
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I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i drank out of a bidet.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
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she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.