ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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